Marriage. The holy grail of relationships. Yes, the institution of marriage has taken quite a beating but the fact remains that more adults would still opt to get married than not. For the most part, humans need companionship and through marriage or not, we do want someone to share our lives with. It is, of course, another story how many of us are in enjoyable, fun, fulfilling relationships. And that’s what matters in the end after all. We are in relationships, or rather, we should be in relationships, because these relationships enhance our lives, making them more fuller, fulfilling and fun.
What makes a marriage work? There are tomes dedicated to this, but to sum it all up, it is us that make the marriage work. We, the wedded. From that perspective, I would venture to say one thing – remember both of you are on the same team. Always, remember, that. No matter how many disagreements, how many fights, how many upsets, always remember that you both are in the same team. And you know how team-mates should be.
Keeping that in mind, this article tries to cover a few topics I wish I had discussed with my to-be before I got married or at least in the early years. Yes, these topics, you may correctly point out, are quite obvious – but I have found that most couples skirt around these issues early on – probably because some could be sticky and we don’t want a fight even before we start! What I suggest is to bring these on the table and acknowledge that they are topics that obviously need a bilateral discussion and a joint decision. It may just as well be that, subsequently, you purposely push these under the rug – and that’s okay too – after all it’s your relationship and you get to decide, but then it will be a conscious decision.
So here goes – in no particular order – because what topic is most important may differ for each couple.
Kids
When and how many. The topic of kids has over-arching influence on almost everything else in your married life. It is obvious that having kids will change your financial situation, your career goals, your home goals. And timing matters – especially if you are planning to have more than one (yeah imagine that!). The ideal gap between kids is 2 -3 years and there are many reasons for that. Any lesser than that will take you into a tunnel so long you will be wishing some nasty things on your kids by then end…and you don’t want that. On the other hand waiting longer than 3 years does have its advantages – your first child could be a big support if you wait longer. But it also means that your kids may not have too much in common. It could also put undue responsibility on your first-born, which they could resent. It also could lead to some tension when your first-born suddenly realizes that he/ she is no longer the centre of your attention. A 2-3 year gap helps foster a better connection between your kids as they may find more things to do in common. That means they can engage each other as they grow up and not constantly rely on you to be there – trust me, you will need that space.
Money
Although money is obviously important, more often than not, we don’t place in the proper context – that it is a means rather than an end. Financial planning is about answering crucial questions about why we need money, when we need money, and how much we need it. It helps if you have had a discussion on your goals as a couple – because that can clarify your requirements for money. It is helpful to understand each other’s financial habits and indulgences as well – both as a couple and individually.
Career
It is important to have a discussion on each of your career goals early on. Very often, one partner takes up more responsibility at home – and ideally, it should not be thrust upon them. Having a chat about what your career means for you in the context of your family will help. Traditional roles are dissolving these days making it all the more important for you to have this conversation up front.
Parents
For many, our parents are most important to us. Up until we find our life partner and start our own families, our parents have had the most influence on us. After marriage, you should consider the level of influence you want your parents to have on you now that you are a couple. Also, when the time comes, how would you care for your parents?
Other relatives
Marriage is of course more than two people getting together. In effect, you inherit each other’s extended family and it would do well for you to set some clear rules and boundaries to prevent your aunts or uncles or siblings stepping into your space.
Personal Goals
Very often we push our personal goals into the background when we get married. True, early on, when we are on our marriage high, our personal goals seem less important, but if we are not careful, life has a way of taking over and only years later do we realize all those goals we had for ourselves – be it learning a new language or travelling to see a new place. Sharing your personal goals early on clues your partner in to what your desires are and helps them become a true partner in each other’s journey.
Couple Goals
And of course, you should discuss your goals and ambitions as a couple. It is often assumed that we will just work together and life will simply unfold the way we want it to. This is true when you have an intention set in place. A “sankalp” if you will that we put in place when we start the journey together.
Sexual pleasure
Yes, the most embarrassing topic we all want to avoid discussing. However, in this liberated age, we should be free and open about discussing our sexual preferences, likes and dislikes. After all, sex forms a pivotal part of your relationship. The fact that marriage is, by and large, a monogamous relationship makes it imperative that you derive the utmost satisfaction in this relationship.
All said and done, we must remember that we are in the same boat as a couple. We enter the boat hopefully knowing and willing to keep it afloat and moving in the direction we intend. So as we float in the sea of life it is up to us how we care for our boat, improve it, and enjoy it’s luxuries to the fullest.
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